Miscarriage and How it Changed Me
This is the story of my miscarriage that happened in September 2009. It was very hard for me and took awhile to process. I felt it’s time to share what happened to me. I do go into detail of what happened to my body and what I saw. I hope this will be the next step in my healing and that I might help another woman in her healing. Thank you for reading.
I started taking herbs to prepare my body for conception about a month prior to trying to conceive our second child. It took us over a year to get pregnant with our first and I attribute starting herbs at the success. The second time around I wasn’t waiting! The first month we tried I didn’t get pregnant. No big deal. I didn’t expect to get pregnant right away. So, I continued herbs and we waited for our second opportunity. Waiting is the hardest part in the trying to conceive business. So much waiting. Waiting for fertile days, waiting to test, waiting for that positive test. I was so happy when I didn’t have to wait much this time – our second round took! I was pregnant! The only feeling better than getting a positive test after trying, is holding that sweet baby in your arms. Finding out you are pregnant is just amazing. Knowing the journey you are on and what the result will be. It’s so satisfying.
We were planning a homebirth and I contacted my midwife and let her know we were pregnant. Together we calculated a guess date of May 26, 2010. A week or so later, my husband and I had a trip to the beach planned and our son was excited to go. We were going camping, something we love to do. We got down to the beach and set our tent up and decided to go take a walk on the beach, play a little and then grab dinner on the boardwalk. It was September and a little cool, but it was perfect. Our son dug around in the sand and played. Then it happened. I started cramping. It wasn’t the typical early pregnancy cramping I was familiar with. This was different. I told my husband I wanted to go sit down. So, we went to the restaurant to eat. We ate dinner and I continued to feel cramps. Before we left, I went to the restroom and found that I was spotting. My heart sank. My stomach clenched. I just knew something was wrong. We went back to the campground and I got in the sleeping bag and cried.
In the morning, I got up and immediately went to the wash house to see what my situation was. I was thankful I brought a change of clothing because I had bled through my pajamas. I was in shock. I stood in the stall shaking. I somehow managed to get changed and washed up. When I got back to the tent I told my boys I was very sorry, but we were going to have to leave. My husband packed everything up and we made the trip home. I put a towel on my seat in case I bled through my pants. The ride was long and silent. I remember going through it over and over in my head. Crying and feeling helpless and then switching to denial and thinking it was going to be fine. It was Saturday, September 26th, 2009. I called my midwife on our way home and told her what was going on. She said to rest and she would schedule an ultrasound for Monday. I had the whole weekend to sit and think about what was going on. I continued to go through so many emotions. Denial, anger, sadness. I blamed myself. What had I done? My son plopped on me on Friday, had that caused it? Why did I let him on my lap? It was the worst waiting I’ve ever experienced. I was 7 weeks pregnant and I knew our baby had died.
Monday came and my husband couldn’t go to the ultrasound with me because he had interviews to attend at work. My sister came with me and my son. The tech was nice, but quiet. My sister kept looking at the screen and mouthed she thought she saw a heartbeat. Still, the tech said nothing. When she was finished she said she would have the doctor look over everything and they’d be in. I waited. Again. Finally, she came back in and said she had my midwife on the phone. This is it. It’s bad news. Why else would they get my midwife on the phone? She confirmed what I so desperately wanted to be false. The baby didn’t have a heartbeat and was not viable. She was deeply sorry. She went over what I could expect to happen and to call her when I passed the baby so she could examine everything. I was leaving in a few days to go to Canada to complete my CBE training. She felt that was ok as long as I felt up to it, and that I had to let my trainer know I was miscarrying so she would be aware if anything happened, like hemorrhage. I thanked her and hung the phone up. I looked at my sister and said that the baby had died and just started crying. She held me and my son hugged me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be out of that room and back at my home where it was safe. I called my husband and let him know the news.
People got really, really weird. They said the most horrible things to me. I know they were trying to help, but really. How could they possibly have thought they were helping by saying things like, “You can try again”, “It could be worse, at least it wasn’t stillborn”, “You’re only 7 weeks, it’s not even a baby, it’s a blood clot”, and “If you hadn’t taken a test, you wouldn’t even had known you were pregnant”. What is a comeback for something like that? My. Baby. Died. Yes, I was “only” 7 weeks pregnant and no one could see a nice, round belly. Maybe they don’t get it. Yes, I would have known I was pregnant! My husband and I were trying to get pregnant! My period was weeks late! What else could it have been?! I wanted to scream at these people. But all I could do was just agree with them. My heart felt like it was ripping out of my chest. I sat on my couch and cried and cried and cried for days. It was hard to breathe. I never expected for an early miscarriage to hurt. So. MUCH. It didn’t matter to me that I was only 7 weeks. I wanted that baby. I loved that baby. It was made out of love. And it died. I would never know if it were a boy or a girl. I would never get to hold him or her in my arms and look into its eyes. I would never smell that wonderful smell of a newborn and breastfeed for the first time. I would never get to kiss her. Or name him. My heart was shattered in pieces and no one seemed to care. Through it all, my 2 and a half year old son was my biggest support. He cried with me that “our baby died” and sat on my lap and hugged me. Children seem to know the perfect way to love us.
Tuesday, September 28th, 2009, my boss told me to take the day off. I thanked him, but said I’d rather not sit around. So, my son and I went to work. I was still cramping and was waiting for everything to happen. I didn’t really know what to expect. I had a break between my middle and elementary school runs and we were resting. I nursed my son as usual. Then something started happening. I was cramping and I got cold sweats. I started shaking. And then I felt it. Something came out of me. I thought I was hemorrhaging. It felt substantial and I was afraid to look down and find that my jeans were saturated with blood. But, I did and there wasn’t any blood. So, I went to check what was going on. There, on the pad I was wearing, was a very large blob. It was a sac about the size of my palm and there were clots with it. I didn’t open the sac. I couldn’t. I put everything on a baby wipe to keep it moist and put it in a plastic bag. I called my midwife and she came over to take a look and said it looked like everything had passed now and that my bleeding should start to let up.
I didn’t know what to do with the sac. I couldn’t throw it out. So, I put it in my freezer. After thinking about it for a few days, I decided I wanted to bury it. We aren’t living in our “forever” home, as I call it, so I didn’t want to do it here. I asked my mom if I could bury it in her flower garden until we moved to our forever home. She seemed a little strange about it, but agreed. I wanted to get a beautiful tin box to put it in and get one of those engraved garden stones. But, time went by and I never did. It stayed in my freezer. One day, months later, my husband asked what was going on with it and I said what I wanted to do. He thought it was time for me to just throw it away. I got angry and said, “Fine! Throw it away then!” And he did. I’m so angry at myself for letting him to that. I have an empty place inside me and feel if I had buried it like I wanted to, it would have helped me heal in some way.
My midwife said we could try again whenever we were ready, but usually 6 weeks is advisable. Just like after having a baby, because that’s what happened after all. I had had a baby, even though I had nothing to show for it. I went to Canada and went through my training. I thought it would be hard talking about babies for 4 days, and it was. There were times during group hypnosis I would sit and cry silently. During a one-on-one hypnosis session, I broke down and started crying. The poor woman doing hypnosis on me was a little shocked, but I couldn’t exactly tell her my womb was bleeding because I had just lost a baby. I wouldn’t have blamed her for running away screaming, but she is now one of my dearest friends.
We got home and my bleeding let up. I was ready to have sex again, but my husband was a little apprehensive. He didn’t want to hurt me, which was understandable. I assured him I was fine and I was ready. It was mid-October. By the end of October I still hadn’t had a period after the miscarriage. It was several days after I expected it to come and said something to my husband. We’d only had sex a couple times, but it is possible to ovulate directly after a miscarriage, before getting a period. I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant that quickly, although I knew I wanted to try again right away. I didn’t want to wait a few months that was recommended on all the web sites I read. It was more for emotional healing they said. I felt the opposite. I wanted to become pregnant again right away. I thought it would help heal me. And it did. I went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and gave birth in the safety of my bedroom on July 1, 2010.
Miscarriage changed me. Prior to experiencing it, I never really thought twice about it. Of course, I felt for women who had been through it, but I never really “got” it. It is different for every woman. Some women aren’t phased by it; others are touched deeply. I do feel like things happen for a reason and we learn from everything. As a childbirth educator and aspiring midwife what I gained from my miscarriage will be invaluable. The compassion I have for women is even greater now. I have joined The Amythyst Network as a loss doula to help women going through loss. What I want people to know is that miscarriage is real. Even if you don’t see it, it is very real and very painful to the woman going through it. Be sensitive. Be loving and kind. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything except, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Open your arms and give her your strength. Let her cry. Listen to her when she speaks. Because that’s all we really want.
For more information about miscarriage and how to help your loved one, visit the following websites.
2 Comments July 11, 2011
We went back to my bedroom where I labored easily on my yoga ball. In between waves, I would sit on the ball and chat. During a wave I would lean against my bed, squat and sway. Letting my belly hang low and loose. A little into it, my midwife suggested I kneel beside my bed and rest my head on the bed. Just about as soon as I did this, my body switched gears and natural expulsive reflex kicked in. There is no way to describe this unless you have experienced it. The only thing I can compare it to is vomiting. It was a force I could not control; my body just took over. It. Was. Amazing. I roared like a lioness. Another thing I could not control. It was automatic. With the first wave like that, my waters released. Two more and my baby’s head was born. Rest. Breathe. I was so thirsty at this point and was begging for a drink. Wave. Shoulders were born and out came my baby girl. She was absolutely perfect and just stared at me. No crying. Just calm, peaceful acknowledgment. 12:03am. Baby M was 8lbs 1/2 oz. and 20 inches long. 